When a Classmate Dies

Helping your teen through the grief process

If Drunk Driving Was Involved…

When drinking or reckless driving results in death, it’s a wake-up call for parents. Diana Heckman, executive director of the ALERT Partnership, helps parents work together and take a stand to protect their teens. “Kids are especially vulnerable to drinking in the prom and graduation season,” she says. ALERT encourages parents to sign the Safe Homes Pledge, agreeing not to serve minors or allow them to drink or use drugs at their home or property, to provide supervision at all parties, and to communicate with other concerned parents. “We want parents to realize that even if they take away their car keys, it’s not OK to let minors drink,” Heckman says.

Warning Signs That a Grieving Teen Needs Help

• Loss of appetite
• Insomnia
• Lack of interest in personal hygiene
• Change in academic performance
• Daredevil behavior
• Physical complaints (headaches, stomachaches)

Death just isn’t on the radar screen for most teens, yet nearly all will experience the loss of a classmate from illness or injury before graduating from high school. How can you help your teen deal with such a shocking experience?

“First, realize there is no way to fix this and make your child feel better right away,” says psychiatrist Joel Lerman, M.D., of Lehigh Valley Hospital and Health Network. “Encourage him to talk about his feelings, and be available to listen.” Boys find it hard to express their feelings, so you may need to initiate the dialogue. Sometimes talking while hiking, cooking or riding in the car is less threatening than sitting down for a heart-to-heart.

“If the death resulted from risky behavior—for example, drugs, drinking or reckless driving—resist the temptation to lecture your teen,” Lerman says. “While he’s grieving, he won’t hear the message and may perceive it as dishonoring his friend’s memory.”

Religious beliefs play a strong role in coping with death, says Lerman’s colleague, adolescent psychiatrist John-Paul Gomez, M.D. “Share your faith with your teen and tell how it helped you through losses.” Since rituals are important in this regard, encourage your child to attend the funeral and school memorial service. Teach her how to offer condolences to her friend’s parents at the funeral. Help her find photos or mementoes to place on her nightstand or desk.

Your child’s school probably has a program to help students cope with a classmate’s death. To assist their own staff (who may be grieving themselves), schools in Carbon and Lehigh counties can request help from a group of specially educated counselors from several area schools, making more professionals available to speak with students soon after the death.

During the following weeks, the guidance staff keeps an eye on teens needing extra help, and refers them for private counseling in the community. “Many schools hold a candlelight vigil, plant a tree or do some ritual to memorialize the student who passed away,” says David Ramsey, psychologist with the Parkland School District in Allentown. “These events give the students a common mourning experience and a healthy outlet for grief.”

The death of a classmate makes teens confront their own mortality—they find it hard to accept that someone their age can die. Sensitive teens, especially those with a history of depression or bipolar disorder, may start brooding on death, even if the classmate was not a close friend. “Pay attention to your child,” Gomez says. “It may take her a while to work through the grieving process, but if grief becomes pathological, get professional help.”

Want to Know More? For information about helping teens with depression or a copy of the Safe Homes Pledge, call 610-402-CARE.

Published from Healthy You Magazine May-June 2007

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